Tuesday, January 22, 2013

No Shit Sherlock....Warning: This Blog Is Not To Be Sniffed AT...

THE GHOST POO The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.
THE CLEAN POO The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but there's no poo on the toilet paper.
THE WET POO You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you dont ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE POO This poo happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees,and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POO Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poo". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN POO No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG POO The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER POO The kind of poo you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POO" POO The kind where you want to poo, but even after straining your guts out all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS POO Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID POO That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD POO A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER This poo is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER This poo occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL This poo occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS POO A poo so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK POO This poo has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" POO This is any poo created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER A poo so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER Characterized by its floatability, this poo has been known to resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER A poo which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM POO This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO POO Now you see it, now you don't. This poo is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL A poo that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to poo (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near pooing facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER A long skinny poo which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC POO This poo occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Poo.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE POO This poo may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POO An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T poo.
PREMEDITATED POO Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
POOZOPHERENIA Fear of pooing - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POO Also known as a "Still Going" poo.
THE POWER DUMP POO The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER POO This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.)
THE SPINAL TAP POO The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" POO Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Poos. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE POO The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two chooces: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POO When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" POO When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water. THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" POO Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURN STILL DANGLING THERE" POO Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.

THE ISLAND POOP. This type is characterized by its similarity to an island. After leaving the ass it sinks to the upper bottom portion of the bowl. Then it increases in height with layer upon layer of geological shit strata until it climbs several inches out of the water. You have to be careful with this type because if you are still sitting your ass will touch its peak. This type takes several flushes to diminish. Each flush works sort of like plate tectonics slowly eroding the lower strata of the island until finally it lunges toward the hole and usually clogs it. The island type is particularly gruesome to plunge and is known for leaving huge turd skid marks.

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