Tuesday, March 01, 2011
Being Fabulous Takes Work...
There I was minding my own business leaving yet another award show, walking arm in arm with my man Kyle, my best friend Larz and my entourage consisting of Chelsea Handler, Kathy Griffin (and her box of wine tipping Mom), Anna Nicole Smith and Joan Rivers when hundreds of rude paparazzi leaped out at me from behind a potted Dieffenbachia tree and began snapping unauthorized pictures...click click click ...snap snap snap...smile smile smile! We were blinded by the flashbulbs and as a result I stumbled face down into a Koi pond leaving me smelling of fish and alcohol.
Thank God Sir Elton John came out of nowhere , ranting and screaming for them to fucking leave me alone as he bashed them in the shins with his man purse, shoving his husband aside and dropping his new baby on it's head in the process. Just a quick side note: Baby's are not fabulous and they ruin all your fun (Just sayin)
My bodyguards managed to corral all of us into our waiting limousine and whisk us off to my rather fabulous D list beach house were we downed several bottles of Sherry and some nice Valium to take the edge of. I needed sex with Kyle afterward just to calm me the fuck back down!
It's not easy being fabulous and as my friends and I witnessed, the paparazzi are getting more and more blatant. Just ask Kathrine Zeta Jones who was punched last week by paparazzi and my dear friend Perez Hilton who received a very fashionable black eye from a black eyed pea last year after some scandalous paparazzi blabbed his mouth off about you know what, you know where!!!
Just last week as my entourage and I were poncing into the front doors of Club Blu we had pictures takes of our penis's as we were getting out of our cars with no nickers on...scandal and outrage!
This past Sunday night while emerging from the Academy Awards I was accosted by camera wielding ruffians who tried to take candid snaps of us engaging in some discreet cocaine sniffing behind a wardrobe truck when I slipped on a wet spot and landed face first into the crotch of a trembling Kirk Douglas who was not amused and after trying to figure out what he was attempting to yell at me I spun around hastily to make my exit when to my horror I crashed into Micheal J Fox who was as mellow as a bowl of jello about the whole situation and graciously helped me to my feet. Quite the task for him I would imagine because he seemed drunker than I was! It was not until later when I got home that it was explained to me that he had not been drunk but in fact was suffering from Parkinson's disease. Ya right. Cheap excuse!
These A List stars are so politically correct ;-)
My week of bad luck came to a screaming crescendo last night when I was arrested for shop lifting while accompanying my dear friend Lindsay Lohan fresh from rehab and helping me score a tab of acid. Long story short, she got the necklace and I got prison raped after being thrown into a holding cell in my gold lamé jeans with my giraffe skin, aladdin boots and my pink mesh half shirt...
Being Fabulous takes work I tell ya!!!!